reflection

Alrighty, let's get it going.

I had been thinking about the subject for my graduation year for quite some time.
My trauma is a part of me I had partly hidden from everyone. I would speak about my struggles, my fear for social situations, my panic attacks, my anxiety. But I never spoke about what caused it. It’s my deepest secret.
I felt like this is the moment for confrontation, for discomfort and for vulnerability. To completely expose myself, to let my deepest fears and struggles be seen. But, if I can be truly honest, I mostly did it because I hoped I could make this the final push in processing.

I don't think it did that. In fact, I haven't felt this shit for a very long time.

This project thought me how important communication is, don’t leave things unspoken.
But it does change your relationships. The moment you place yourself in such a vulnerable position, there will be a change in the way that person looks at you. But do not mistake this for something negative. In the eyes of that person you will become more brave, courageous. You will grow.
Of course there is no guaranty that people will be 100% supportive. There is always a risk that comes along with being vulnerable. But I learned that if people can’t understand or can’t be supportive or respectful, it might be better to create some distance. There is no choice in how much you accept of a person. You can’t just pick the parts you like from one’s experiences and character and ignore the rest. We should all be accepted as our full self.
Because there should be no shame around trauma.

But another thing this project made me realise is that talking about trauma is something that involves 2 persons. You’re telling it to someone, the fact that you tell them has an influence on them. It was only now that I realised that. I start to understand that while I need to talk about what I’m going through, it’s a subject which is normally not discussed. It’s a tough subject, it makes people uncomfortable and very often leaves people speechless.
Speaking up about your deepest insecurities and fears has an impact on the person sitting across from you. This impact is necessary for you and you have the right to be respected in it. But if people struggle to talk about this with you, then that's ok and you find people that can. Surround yourself with people who can and will support you when you need it. That’s one of the most important lessons I learned during these months. Don’t expect the people you love the most to be able to deal and grow along with every insecurity. It’s ok if someone can’t help you in everything.

I also realised something that made a huge difference in how I approach feminism.
I was researching what womanhood means, for my mindmap on female sexuality. I started reading these articles where women where describing that womanhood means to them. What I mainly read was that these women imposed their vision and the qualities that belong to a woman, on other women. It felt so wrong, no matter how empowering these definitions were. No matter how inclusive and broad it might be, you'll always exclude women from your definition and thereby depriving and denying their right to womanhood.

So. I do not want to redefine womanhood, as I don't want to define it at all.
If you redefine what it means to be female, how broad and empowering it might be, there will always be women who do not fit into that definition. If you create a definition of womanhood, there is again room to put us in that box of the definition of being female. The very moment any woman steps out of that box, acts differently then the definition expects us to act, we will no longer be considered to be a woman, we will be accused of not respecting our womanhood. Don't ever place any female in that position. Ever again.
If you want to define or redefine womanhood, look at all women surrounding you. Look at your mother, your friends, the woman you admire the most, the woman that frustrates you the most. Because no woman is less of a woman because of any form of behaviour.
There are too many characteristics, personalities and identities to put in one almighty definition.
So if you ask me, what womanhood looks like, I will tell you this: every woman on this fucking earth.

Working together with Esther and Isa has been one of the most pleasant collaborations I’ve ever had. There’s been so much understanding from day one, that whenever someone expressed their concerns and doubts, it’s always listened to and taken serious. Even though it might felt good to 2 of us, if 1 of us wasn’t feeling it, we searched for another way to do it. It’s a groups project and we’ve treated it like one from the beginning.
Besides that, we never tried to hold on and push an idea through. We’ve been very fluent and flexible when it came down to the end result. There was no fear to let go of one idea and start on the other, which I consider to be very important, especially in collaboration.
The moment we got onto the idea of The Vulnerability Project, the division of tasks went really naturally. We really looked at everyone's qualities suitable for the project. I made the tapestry and did all other technical sewing tasks, Isa sewed the points by hand, and helped Esther with the technical aspect and me with the tapestry so Isa was very much in between, and Esther mainly focussed on the technical parts with the audio and sensors and did the prints.

Another thing I finally learned this quarter, after almost 4 years of art school so it was about time, is that for me the best ideas are formed with using nothing but my own mind. I have the tendency to search online for examples of what I have in mind, trying to find similar projects to get inspired, which results in my designs or projects being based on cliches. This is the first time I forced myself to leave google and instagram far, far behind and brainstorm for ideas with just the knowledge from the research and my creativity. And it worked so much better, so this is such a relief that I can come up with ideas myself. :) (duh)

I am however still struggling with one thing. And it made me question everything. During these 4 months, I noticed how much I love doing research and how relieved I was that I did not have to think about fashion at all. This started to scare me because I’ve never felt so disconnected from fashion. I’m questioning wether designing clothes is the best form for me, and if design is even the best form for me at all. Maybe it’s because there are almost no fashion brands that work with social discussions in a way where the design is fully supporting their concepts. Maybe I’m afraid that I feel like I have to be an example and I can’t live up to it. I don’t want to criticise other designers and not being able to do it differently myself.

I don’t know if choosing my trauma as subject was a positive thing to do. I had no idea what to expect, but I knew it would become tough. Aaaand it did, I haven’t felt so terrible in a very long time. It still feels like I’m drowning, like I can’t breathe. My mind is a mess like never before.
But I do believe it was necessary.

And I'm proud we did.

Now I'm gonna watch my series, drink gallons of tea, cuddle my dog and read the 10000 books we bombed each other with during this project. (L)

See u soon sweeties.